37 thoughts on “Wholesome parenting

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  2. I’m growing up, don’t have kids, but am old enough to have watched my younger siblings grow up and seem how they are raised.

    I think this is a great mindset to have, I see it a lot on the internet. But what I don’t see and what I personally don’t understand, is how to go about this.

    How do I do this? How do parents achieve this?

  3. My parents have always told me “We are not your friends. You do not talk to us like we’re your friends, you do not act like we’re your friends, you respect us, you listen to us”. They are very strict. I have learned to get around it in some ways (I am careful and don’t do anything stupid, don’t worry), but things like dating or seeing friends I’m not allowed to see or watching movies I’m not allowed to watch. Strict parents create sneaky kids. Now at 18, my mom wonders why she “doesn’t even know me anymore!” and my dad wonders why I don’t initiate conversations with him. Why would I talk to them about my personal life? They’re not my friends.

  4. My dad used to yell at me and my sister all the time. It was one of the only tools in his parenting toolbox. I can clearly remember the sound of him stomping up the stairs and how terrifying that was.

    Now I’m an adult and as hard as it is to admit to myself, I’m still scared of him. It makes it pretty difficult to have any sort of healthy or meaningful relationship with him.

  5. See as someone who Dad would smack me just for even dropping a fork, I awalys hid stuff from my parents

  6. I got into a a car destroying wreck (while I was one of the drivers, I was not at fault); the first words out of my mouth to my Dad on the phone were “I’m ok.”

    Not about the car; I knew my Dad didn’t want to know about the car. Not about the semi-rig that got destroyed in the same wreck. Me. He would want to know I got out safe and in one piece, which I did (had one big bruise from my seatbelt).

    I try and solve my own problems, that’s what my parents’ taught me. But there’s nothing wrong with giving them an update that I’m doing well.

  7. I don’t know how close I actually came to dying from all the cough syrup I drank in one sitting back in high school, but I distinctly remember hours of shitting and vomiting my brains out to the point of feeble exhaustion. The whole time my biggest concern was my parents finding out. If one of my children is that big of an idiot one day I want them to know they can come to me.

  8. Couldn’t agree more. There were a few times my life was in danger, but I wouldn’t have asked my parents for help under any circumstances because I was more afraid of them than dying.

    My life would be quite different if I’d had any kind of mentor.

  9. Fear and respect are mutually exclusive ideas. People who fear you will obey you as long as you’re in power. People who respect you will support you in times of weakness and vulnerability.

  10. My dad’s been teaching me how to drive and he always tells me that if i ever get into an accident the first person i should call is him ♡(unless someone is actually hurt)

  11. From my experience, parents that “parent” with fear tactics and the expectation of complete obedience are just a lazy parents. Forming real meaningful relationships with our children is a lot of work. It’s something that takes trust and love on both ends. We must be aware, be involved, but also realize our goal as parents is to help this little human develop in to an independent healthy adult. Children’s mental health is so often overlooked. Even a two year old knows the difference between someone that is yelling at them because they just want obedience (because it’s easier,) and someone who is explaining right from wrong and helping them navigate the tough choices and lessons along the way. Always try to parent from a place of genuine concern, love and honesty. It’s hard, but completely worth it.

  12. I was at a harvest festival with a friend one year and I had taken my phone out of the case because it was “cooler” that way. I was probably in about 5th grade at the time. We were running around and playing and it fell out of my pocket and onto the asphalt- it was absolutely shattered. Once I realized that it had fallen, my heart started pounding. “My dad is literally going to kill me” is what I told my friend. I was sobbing and having an absolute meltdown because I thought he was going to be completely p’oed. At the end of it all (I actually didn’t tell him until the next day and I did it over the phone so he wouldn’t lash out at my immediately) he was only mad because I “embarrassed him for overreacting.” I wasn’t overreacting, I was terrified

  13. I’ve been yelled at and scolded my whole life I have a huge fear of telling my father anything i’ve done wrong because i hate to be yelled at. (I’m a few months away from having a son of my own I will be sure to let him know his whole life he can come tell me anything without being scared.)

  14. My three year old breaks plates sometimes when he’s carrying them over to the sink. At first he was really scared and I asked him why. I yelled as soon as I heard it break, not out of anger but because I didn’t want him to get hurt or step on broken porcelain with bare feet. We quickly told him why I yelled and I apologized for yelling. When it happens he just casually says “MUM! I broke something. I’m gonna stay here. MUM!!! I need you to pick me up”. Consistency and explaining everything to your kids is what I do everyday. They don’t know any better until you explain to them why you’re doing things, what’s important, etc. I hate when I say “I’ve got to do something right now.” Or “I’m busy”. I try to be more specific so he understands.

  15. This is so true I grew up(still growing up lol) like this and I would hate my kids to think about this with me.

  16. I still get upset when I think about the moment my car got totaled.

    At the time of the accident i called my mom and she asked me how was the car, what was i doing at the time and if I hurt anyone because they can sue me. I hear my dad say “Quien le vale verga, como esta el?”, directly translates to who gives a dick how is he.

    He grabbed the phone from my mom and asked me where i was at.

  17. Too many parents think discipline is punishment. They probably learned it that way from their parents. Discipline creates healthy habits and character. While punishment is an angry will imposed..Disciplined children rarely need to be punished.

  18. One of the biggest things you can do is participate in your child’s life in a way that creates a genuine shared interest and shared experience. A shared passion for something creates a relatable equivalence. As if the two of your are not really aliens to each other but instead are both humans.

    My son and in both are musical. We share playlists. He plays new music for me and i for him. He composes new music and I sometimes record instrument for him to his beat.

    And we play basketball together. We lift weights together.

    It allows us to see each other as real and breaks down the authoritarian barrier.

    He still gets grounded sometimes. He still feels it when he does something dumb or sketchy. But he feels it as if he has let down a mentor. Not as if he is in trouble.

    My daughter is into lacrosse and baking. So I am in to lacrosse and baking.

    I opened up self directed stock trading accounts for them with $500 each.

    They trade stocks.

    Currently all three of us are trading marijuana stocks. So that gives us a chance to talk about drugs and alcohol.

    We say shit and fuck and penis. Not as a matter of course but just as acknowledgement that those words exist and they dont kill you.

    Bottom line is. Have a relationship. Don’t give up your authority. But don’t abuse it.

    Talk. Be open. Don’t use shame and guilt as currency.

  19. How do i get to that can you give me any Tipps? Just want to prepare myself for the future 🙂

  20. I love this guy’s sentiment towards parenting, but I hate how it makes me remember how defensive people become when you point out how bad “physically disciplining” your children is

    &#x200B;

    I might mix up these numbers, but I remember a study being posted to a website showing that ~80% of the world’s children are “physically disciplined” and in ~60% of the cases there’s proof beyond reasonable doubt that it has some negative effect on the growth of the victim kid, and people would still be against outlawing (discussion sparked about a proposed law in Australia I believe) it, because “*you’re just a tyrant who wants to dictate how I raise my kids”*

  21. Aw this is how I feel about my dad.

    …well, almost. I think my first thought would be “aw shit I need to call my dad” and my second one would be “damn I’m never going to hear the end of this…” But then I’d call him anyway.

    Thanks, dad. 😊

  22. I have 2 kids and a fairly liberal parenting style. I love this, but I don’t like the word “tolerate”. How about enjoy their presence? No, it isn’t possible all the time. But I certainly don’t simply “tolerate” my children. I love them and they never cease to amaze me.

  23. I heard something the other day that resonated with me: you raise a liar if they get in trouble for telling the truth.

  24. This reminds me of the saying “if you raise your children, your children get spoiled by their grandparents, if you spoil your children, your children get raised by your grandparents “

    E: phrasing

  25. I mean shit, even though I know my dad would help with almost any issue, there were plenty of times when I did not want to deal with the fallout of a 5 hour lecture.

  26. From an adult father who’s own father used to scream himself hoarse over the smallest things: yes, I don’t because of him.

  27. This is great, but I also don’t want it to turn into “I got in trouble, I guess dad will take care of it.”

    I’ll obviously be there for them, but I knew kids growing up who either couldn’t take care of themselves or had no sense of responsibility because they knew their parents would handle everything.

    I don’t want them to be afraid, but I still want them to feel accountable.

  28. You are a great person. Growing up with fear like that sucks, and parents who don’t let that fear happen are the best. I wish I had parents like this

  29. Ugh, this got to me. My mum and step dad raised me to fear making even the slightest mistake in case they came down on me hard. Now i find it impossible to ask anyone for help because I’m convinced that being less than perfect will make people angry. Where were the wholesome parental attitudes when I needed them!

  30. A ruler should be slow to punish and swift to reward. —Ovid

    Legit no leadership based on fear has hold for very long. Look at north Korea they are collapsing. Parenting is the same. For example. Let’s say my parents get really mad at me for breaking a plate. Then I will most likely lie if I do it again.

  31. These same parents now wonder why all their calls go to voicemail.

    &#x200B;

    Why they never hear from us.

    &#x200B;

    “Don’t distance yourselves. It’s not healthy”.

  32. While I think this is a great mindset to have, I don’t think it’s entirely up to parents to control how their children react to things. To be clearer, I think it may not be possible – or even optimal – to raise children in a way that consists of 100% positive feedback and interaction.

    Setting limits is important, as is showing you are upset or distressed when they do things that endanger themselves or others, or are just being unnecessarily selfish or otherwise not empathic or unpleasant. As a result, a child will always be fearful of negative blowback. They may not feel like they are going to be murdered, but they will surely hide things that a parent would be able to help with, for fear of getting a negative reaction.

    I really can’t think of a set of parents more down-to-earth, caring, or permissive than my own. I am an only child of their later years and they really couldn’t be bothered to give a fuck about much, they pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. I don’t remember having many rules at all, I didn’t even have to do my homework or finish my dinner. And still, even with all that, I remember seriously fearing my parents’ reprobation and constantly hiding things from them. I didn’t think I would be punished, I just thought I would disappoint them or make them sad, which felt like a stab to my heart all the same.

    Kids will always hide things from their parents, and that’s not always a bad thing. It can have bad consequences, but I think privacy is important when you’re a kid, even if it means not every problem gets solved in the most expedient way possible,

  33. Mostly I agree with this. There are certainly some horrific decisions my kids could make that would make me want them to fear repercussions for terrible acts, though.

  34. I have both thoughts. If I break something in the house that my dad told me not to mess with, I know I’m going to be in major trouble.

    But each and every time I’ve gotten hurt or been in danger, I’ve wanted my dad.

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